FAQs

Thank you for sticking with me and checking in for another riveting installment of, “What in the world is Rachel up to now?!”

I’ve had many questions about foster care, the process, the kiddo, etc – so I thought I’d make this post a FAQ post. I’m probably forgetting many questions I’ve been asked but I hope the following helps. Please feel free to ask me questions at any time, I’m happy to answer if I know the answer or am able to. I appreciate all questions but many things about the situation are confidential so I can’t share those things. If I tell you that I’m not able to share the answer to your question with you, please do not be offended or think that I don’t trust you, but behind children in foster care are families going through court cases – so legally I need to keep a good deal of information private. The questions below are in no particular order.

How old is your foster son?:
He’ll be two in November

Where is he from?:
He’s from a surrounding county/city

Does he see his family?:
Yes, he currently visits with birth-Mom once a week.

Have you met her?:
Yes, I have. I take him to his visits at the DSS office that’s handling his case. Mom is usually in the waiting room when we arrive so they get to connect right away. His case worker comes out and takes Mom and kiddo back and then I’m free to wait there or head out. I’ve been using this time to run errands. When I get back I wait for them to come back to the waiting room. He leaves the building with me. He’s a little sad when we go but he knows he’s leaving with an adult he trusts and I try to distract his attention with fruit snacks.

Is Mom nice to you?:  
Yes, Mom is nice. We talk about him and what he’s been up to. I think she’s glad to know he’s in a safe, loving place while she works to get herself to a place where he can be back in her custody.

How long with you have him?:
Short answer, I don’t know. When a child is removed from his/her family, the family usually has a long list of things that must happen before the child can be returned. The family is provided with services to help them accomplish what is needed. The goal, at first, is always for the child to return to his/her family (provided the reason for removal wasn’t horrendous). These days, families have probably a minimum of 10 months or so to accomplish many things on their list. They must continue to show that they are moving forward and making progress. Each case, each family, each DSS, each Judge, etc. are all different so there’s not a specific answer to how long a child could be in care. While all this is going on, DSS is looking for relatives or friends of the family who the child could be with – someone the family already has a relationship with. My little guy could be with me for a few more months, many more months, or a few years – I just don’t know. However, my very rough guesstimating tells me he’ll be with me at least through the holidays.

Isn’t that hard? Not knowing?:
Yes, yes it is. But it’s part of the process. I’m not doing this for me. I understand I could get a call any day that they have a relative for him to go with. But I care for him, love him, and provide a safe home for him each day – knowing that’s one more day that I’m certain he’s in good care.

Why don’t you use his name online, in emails, in texts – or email, text, or post photos of him?:
This is for his privacy and the family’s privacy. Again, they’re going through a court case. They may have not told everyone in their lives that this is happening and could be embarrassed, scared, frustrated, etc. so foster parents cannot chance the child’s identity being found online where someone else could recognize the child. In the future the child may not want anyone to know he/she was in foster care – and if the child was young enough – he or she may not even remember it.

Where is your foster son during the weekdays?:
He’s in a local daycare.

Isn’t child care a big hit on your budget?:
Because I work full-time, his child care is paid for.

Who do you go through to become a foster parent?:
I’m certified through People Places of Charlottesville. They’re a great group to work with! If you’re interested in learning more about them, let me know! People Places certifies Therapeutic Foster Parents, which is what I’m certified as. This means our children need more support and we receive more support as we engage on this journey.

Do you get money for being a foster parent?:
Yes, you get a tax-free stipend to help cover the additional expenses of having another person in your home and you get a small amount of money to help with clothing. There are more details but I won’t go in to all of them. If you’ve heard anyone else who fosters say that they “don’t do it for the money,” they mean it. I’m not making money off of my little guy, just getting a little extra to help with the extra bills. However, don’t let this hinder you if you’re thinking of fostering, if you spend the money wisely then you’ll come out just fine. You shouldn’t go in to debt from fostering.

You’re not married but you are able to foster?:
Yes, single people can foster. Married people can foster. Straight people can foster. Gay people can foster. Young people can foster. Older people can foster. People with kids at home can foster. People who have never had children can foster. People who own their home can foster. People who rent can foster. ALL types of people are needed because there is a vast array of children in the system who need a safe home and loving family – and families look many different ways.

Where was your foster son last Sunday, he wasn’t at church with you?:
I was using what is known as “respite.” My boyfriend and I went to a wedding Saturday night and I knew I’d be getting home late. I called in the reinforcements! Foster parents are encouraged to use respite when needed. This means the child goes to the home of another foster parent/family and spends at least one night. I have used respite twice now – there is a wonderful couple who my little guy has spent the night with who lives near me. They have been certified as foster parents for around five years and are great with him.

Can you use a babysitter?:
My foster son can be left, for short periods, in the care of people I trust. He can be left in the church nursery, a gym’s nursery, with family or friends, with my boyfriend (who is certified to help with foster children I have), etc. He can only spend the night with certified foster families, hence the respite.

How is this different than having a biological child?:
Some of the differences are: my child has visits to see biological family (currently once a week); my child has additional doctor’s appts; there is a team working with my child so I have to share medical updates, behavior changes, etc; I have different people coming in to my home to check on the child, currently DSS and my PP family consultant, but could also have the Guardian ad litem (GAL), a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker, Infant-Toddler services, etc.; there are currently almost daily phone calls/emails/texts with PP and DSS; I have to keep receipts to turn in sometimes; there are court dates, family planning meetings, etc. on my calendar – I attend if/when I can; I don’t know a lot of my child’s history (it was almost three weeks before I learned his middle name); I have to ask people not to take photos of my foster son that will be shared; I have to get permission to take him on trips out of the state; I know I can’t keep him forever… Another difference is that when someone babysits or watches your child – you give your child over to that person/family with instructions, likes/dislikes, allergies, bath routine, bedtime routine, diaper sizes, etc. I got none of that. I was given a kid on a Friday afternoon, I signed a paper, and we were on our way. I did not know his bed time, his routine, food information – I had to start from scratch, but with a 22 month old.

Could you keep him?:
There is a lot that has to happen for my guy before they could even get to the point where he may be available for adoption. That’s at the bottom of a long list. However, if he became available and if I felt I could care for him for the rest of his life, it would be a possibility. When becoming certified through People Places they ask if you are interested in becoming certified to adopt. It is an additional home visit during the screening/certification process and some additional paperwork, so I did become certified to adopt.

Won’t it break your heart when he leaves you?:
Yes it will. I feel more connected to him each day and he is bonding with me. However, I know that what may be best for him is to be with his birth-family, the people who know him and his story. Additionally, while I can say all of that out loud and know it in my head, it doesn’t mean my heart believes it. But the goal is to make the world a better place for this little boy and to make this little boy better for the world. He may go away in a year and never remember me, but his heart will know that as a toddler he felt so much love and was safe and cared for and that could make all the difference in his life. I have to remind myself almost daily that I’m doing this for him. This is not for me. Yes, I do love having him and he’s so much fun, but I want to make a difference in our universe, so at this moment in my life this is how I feel God calling me to do so.

How do you do it?:
Prayers, support and love from friends and family, finding time to take care of myself, tears, caffeine, and more love…

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

     Well - I don't even know where to begin... I'll try to begin at the beginning and include as much as I can remember so either my memory will work and this will be a very long post - or I'll have a foster-mom-brain moment and you won't have much to read... Here we go!
     Thursday, Sept 15th started like any other. I got up, got ready, and that day I drove to Richmond for a Common Table meeting. I had had some conversations earlier in the week about a possible placement of two little brothers, ages 4 and 1, but after following up with an email on Thursday it sounded like another placement was found. I was planning to do respite for a super cute and energetic girl over the weekend and was pretty excited about having a girly weekend. I had used removable stickers and put her name on the wall in the room she'd be staying in. I arrive home late Thursday afternoon and notice a puddle of water on the sidewalk in front of my neighbor's house and also on his front stoop. I knew it hadn't rained - but he recently purchased the home and I figured some work was being done. So I stick the key in my front door, open it, and am greeted by standing water. STANDING WATER Y'ALL, IN MY HOUSE! Deep breath Rachel, find the source, shut it off, clean it up. Okay, got it. I figured it was from something in the kitchen - but no... hmm, downstairs bathroom? No... hmmm, washer? No... weird. Nothing is leaking. I walk next door (our townhouses are duplexes) and no one answers. I walk around back and there is water pouring out the back of my neighbor's house where the wall meets the foundation and his half of the backyard looks like a swimming pool. WHAT THE HECK?! Okay, water is seeping into my home from my neighbor's and no one is home. Deep breath Rachel, get his water shut off. Called the water company, they can't just turn off a neighbor's water because you ask them (duh, Rachel), called the non-emergency police number and talked to a very helpful officer and within minutes a big ol' fire truck was in front of my house. (Side note, Cooper is loving the water BTW, he's LAYING in the water in my house - the water hadn't seeped over to the furthest back wall in the living room, so there are dry places to lay, but NO, Cooper is chilling in the water and licking it off the carpet, sheesh.) So here are these three nice fire-fighting folks who train to save lives - but they're just here to shut off the water. They search my house, realize what I know - that's it coming from my neighbor's house - shut of my power and head back outside. I know, you're thinking, "Rachel, why didn't you just call your neighbor?" Well, dear friend, it never occurred to me to get his number. He was going to clean up the place and rent it out and we'd only met once or twice. (You'll be happy to know I do have his number... now...) They walk around and look inside and are getting ready to bust in the door when my neighbor shows up, he actually lives nearby and I think he saw the truck and drove over to see why it was in front of his house. He and the firefighters head in and find INCHES of water covering the first floor. The culprit - he had his water turned on earlier that day and the previous owner had removed the washer but left the valve open. Hey - so - lesson to all of you purchasing a home - be there when the water is turned on or make sure EVERYTHING water could come out of is off.
     Here I am thinking, "I have a little girl coming over tomorrow for the weekend, what do I do now?" I called the placement coordinator and told her the situation, she was going to see if she could find another family to take her. I call my parents, boyfriend, insurance and ServPro. Fast forward to 9:30pm and my first floor has half a dozen industrial fans blowing and a dehumidifier running. My parents had come over - originally to see how they could help - but we ended up hanging out and watching an episode of the X-Files (which I recently found on Netflix and began watching, had to sleep with a light on after the first few episodes...) My boyfriend had come over with the snack I requested - chips and dip. My head was spinning and no one else had been found to watch the little girl. "Okay, Rachel, this is what adults train for: stressful situations that need to be put in their place. Get organized and get your head in the game." Yeah, whatever, I went to bed...
     Friday morning rolls around. I'm watching an adorable two-year-old for a few hours and am exhausted from the evening before. I rec'd a call on the way to watch her that a family had been found - but I'm feeling more in control of the situation and had been looking forward to a girly weekend - so I say I'm still game to watch her. Then I get another call. It's the one. THE ONE. The one that has changed my life. It was about the little brothers, the 4 and 1 year old. The four year old was going with family but DSS was going to court to get the one year old removed. Would I take a one year old boy as an emergency placement if he was removed from his home? UH - YES! People Places then did one of the many things they do best - they set a game plan. They would call back the other family to do respite for the little girl and I would get the little boy - if he was removed. There were a lot of moving parts to the situation, a lot of phone calls, and a million thoughts running through my head. The outcome: I picked up the sweet girl from school, took her for frozen yogurt, explained what was happening and then took her to People Places to play until the other family could come get her. While I was there "J" arrived and I was an instant foster-mom.
     I have a million more things to share about these first, almost-three-weeks, and hope to get them written down soon - but reliving all of the above sure took a lot out of me. It also reminded me that I have an appt today with an insurance adjuster and that I'm tired of dealing with insurance.
     To be continued...

I'm official!!

I'm official!!

          So Wow! What a journey this has been! I contacted People Places of C'ville in January and as of August 2nd, I'm officially "open for business." You've heard the saying: Well, at least the hard part is over...? I'm pretty sure the easy part is over, and it wasn't all that easy. However, if I can help a child by offering him/her a safe, loving, and supportive place to call home as we navigate a journey that no child should have to navigate, then it will ALL be worth it.
          I found out that I was certified a few minutes before 3pm on Tuesday, August 2nd when I got a phone call from People Places. The short version is: Hi, congratulations, you're certified. And I have a possible placement for you. I was floored. I'm actually certified for two children, as long as the oldest is no older than 3 years old. (It has to do with beds, bedrooms, sharing, etc.) However, the two children I was asked about were older and I do not have two beds for them. There was also the option (which is usually not preferred) to split them up. I did consider the younger of the two, but ended up saying no. No. I said no to helping a young girl. No. No, this doesn't sound like the right fit.
          I still can't believe that I said no, but it didn't sound like the right fit for me. I still think about the fact that I said that, but I also believe that when the right fit comes along I will be able to help however God and the child need. I'm probably going to have to say no again, and I will probably not feel super about it. But I trust God that I will know when to say yes and that God will guide and instruct me if I listen and pay attention.
          About an hour or so after the initial call I received another. PP found placements for both girls but the placement for the older of the sisters needed respite this weekend, as the foster family had  already planned a trip out of town and would not be able to take her. I got off the phone promising to check my schedule and call back shortly. I looked things over, gave it some thought, then I called back and said YES! Yes, I'd help. After that I started a mental list of things I needed to purchase, things I needed to do, etc. This would be a great start to my foster care adventure. An older girl for two nights. The foster family she would be going to Tuesday evening and I could be in touch and I could get some details. I was happy I said yes.
          So there ya go! I'm hopping in the car and on the way to the store, thinking about a million things at once. The drive is about 10-15 minutes. Before I get to the store my phone rings, again. It's People Places, again. I'm told that the Department of Social Services (DSS) where the girls live ended up going with another foster care placement agency, for whatever reason, and I would not be needed to help with respite over the weekend.
          So, a little side note/explanation. When DSS believes the time they'll be spending in court that day will end with children being removed from their current home, they have more than one person/agency which they call. I don't know all the details or proper words, but I know that they usually contact more than one foster care agency with the hopes that, between all of them, there will be at least one family who can take the children. So... I could get a call one day with details about a kid in need of a foster home that evening. However, that child may not be removed from his/her home and he/she may end up in a different foster care agency.
          Back to Tuesday. All of the above happened within three hours. So... I guess this is my life now. Will the phone ring today? Will it be the right fit today? Will the child be removed today? Will the DSS place them through People Places today? Lots of questions, and no concrete answers until the child is in my home.
          Additionally, you know I've come to realize that the hope is to NEVER have a foster child. If I have a foster child that means a child has possibly been abused or neglected, if I have a foster child in my home it means that a judge feels the home a child in is not safe. We need a world where foster families are not needed. A world where each and every child is safe and unconditionally loved and respected. But, until that world exists I will continue to answer phone calls from People Places and do my best to be the type of adult in a child's life that my parents were and still are in mine.

... the waiting continues...

     Wednesday came and went and I'm still not certified as a foster momma. However, some good news did arrive! My home study went before the certification board and passed - woohoo! The reason I'm not completely certified is because the results of the fingerprint check aren't back yet. It can take a good chunk of time for the results to arrive, I've been told it could be a few more weeks. So, if you see me with a kiddo anytime soon it's probably not a foster kiddo. I was so stoked for Wednesday to arrive and couldn't wait for the news, and while it was only good news, it was still a bit of a let down. But - that's the way the process goes. I can rest assured that this will not at all be the last time I feel let down in regards to being a foster parent. God's timing is NOT our timing. I believe that there is a reason (that I may, or may never, understand) that I'm needed to wait just a bit longer, so I wait. It's not easy, but I can rest assured that it's the way things need to be right now.
     Until the day comes when I get that first foster kiddo in my home, I will continue to work on the bedroom and getting things ready around my home. I will continue to prepare my heart, mind, and soul for what is to come. I will continue to trust in God. I will continue to pray for the children who will spend time in my home one day - and I hope you will pray for them too!

Things are starting to get real...

Things are starting to get real...

      I began this blog over half a decade ago so that folks could follow my mission trips and I could post stories and photos without blowing up facebook feeds and so that those without facebook could follow along too! I continue my mission work, even if my passport hasn’t been stamped in about two years. (Which, btw, needs to change soon! I need to live into my call and passion of international missions… But, I’m working on it!) Anyway, the mission journey I’m currently on is that of becoming a foster momma, and I wanted to give anyone who would like, an opportunity to join me on this journey. The good, the fun, the ugly, and the heartbreaking.
      My foster care journey began in January when I contacted a local, private therapeutic foster care agency. I’ve felt called to adoption and foster care for many years but never had the right type of residence. I purchased, and moved in to, a three-bedroom home in the fall and knew that I finally had the home to match my passion to help.
I knew a little about the foster care system. I know some folks who were adopted or who did adopt, and I also volunteered as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) for about a year. You can find out more about this great opportunity here. In January I went in for an interview and Q&A with the Teaching Parent Coordinator of People Places (PP) of Charlottesville. PP focuses on therapeutic foster care. “Therapeutic or treatment foster care (TFC) is a clinical intervention, which includes placement in specifically trained foster parent homes, for youth in foster with severe mental, emotional, or behavioral health needs.” After the initial interview I was invited to join the spring Parenting Skills Class. I spent three hours each Thursday night for about two months at PP for training. Our class had three trainers who did an amazing job helping us prepare for a lot of what we could encounter – from understanding all of the paperwork involved (and there is so very much), to practicing our active listening skills, to role-playing situations that might occur, to reminding us constantly that we will screw up and that it will be okay. The course wasn’t about how to change diapers, potty train, and become an ace of a bed-time story reader – it was about how to work with the child in your home who is in need and how to work with the team that you become a part of once that child is brought in to your home. How will you react when she punches a hole in the wall? How will you react when he hides food in his room and you find it a week later covered in bugs? How will you react, and what are the steps to follow, when she tells you she was abused?
      After finishing the course, it was time to get elbows deep in paperwork. So… much… paperwork. If every person had to go through the course, paperwork, and interviews that foster parents have to go through (and I do completely understand why there is so much vetting) I’m not sure there would be many children in the world! I have chosen to become certified to be a therapeutic foster momma and to be certified to adopt. To become certified to adopt included one more home visit (for a total of 3) and a little more paperwork in the PP office – so I figured why not go for it while I’m at it. That’s not my main goal at this time, but I will be certified in case a situation ever arises where I feel I could welcome a child in my home permanently. So, here we are, six months later, and the “easy part” is almost over. I’ve been told that my file will go before the PP Board the evening of Weds, July 20^th. I will be approved or denied. The Teaching Parent Coordinator who helped me get this far doesn’t see any reason I wouldn’t be approved, and frankly, I’m not too worried about it, I feel like I’m a good candidate. However… as the date approaches I do feel a bit nervous, prayers are very welcome. Once I’m approved, I could start receiving calls any day to see if I’d be available to take a child who is in need of a safe place and safe person. I don’t have to say ‘yes,’ and can say ‘no’ as many times as I’d like if the situation doesn’t appear to be a good fit. I could also be called any day to see if I could offer respite to a current family providing care. Which leads me to one of many things I think is great about foster care. The following is me just being frank and honest, and having a bit of fun with the situation because I think finding ways to laugh in life is important!
      I believe one of the perks of foster care is built in help. I will have 24/7 access to my Family Consultant. I will be able to call her/him at any hour during the week. If I’m losing my mind at 2am, she/he is a phone call away! If I’m losing my mind on a weekend when my consultant is not available I call a number and explain the situation and the consultant on call will call me back in less than 15 minutes.
      Another perk is respite! It’s like sending your kid to grandma and grandpa’s house – except you’re not. Instead of calling my amazing parents and saying I need a break for a few days, I get in touch with my consultant and he/she helps me set up respite. Need a trip out of town for work? Respite! Need a weekend with family or friends? Respite! Need a regularly schedule break the second Saturday of each month for a mani/pedi morning and an afternoon shopping? Respite! Obviously it’s not an option as a babysitter every time you need to run errands or just need five minutes with a glass of wine… but it’s an option that the program wants you to use as needed. On the flip side, when I don’t have a kiddo placed in my home, I can provide respite for others. It’s like being the fun auntie for the weekend – which I already love doing when I can!
      Another perk – and please know I say this with sarcasm and partially as a joke – if it’s not working with a kid, you can “send them back.” No, they don’t just up and go back to their original home situation, but the child can be moved to another placement. I’ll be up front and tell you what we were taught in training: the hope is to never get to this point. Children shouldn’t be shipped from home to home, that’s not fair to anyone, especially the child. When things get tough we’re told to talk to our consultant and be open and honest about how we feel and how things are going. The consultant is there to help us navigate the monthly, weekly, daily, and even hourly challenges, we’re just asked to be open and honest about any struggles and do our very best to work through them.
      Another perk, you’re part of a team. However, this can also be a downside. Each child will have a team that will include the DSS worker, probably a CASA worker, deepening on age will also include teachers, your family consultant, and the myriad of therapist and doctors who work with your foster child. Not only will there probably be weekly appointments of some type or another to take the child to, there will also be visits to your home. These are strangers who come in to your home to judge you. They aren’t there to judge your cleaning and cooking (whew!), but they are there to judge how the child is doing, how you’re doing, and if the child can continue to do well in your home. There will also be visits with the birth family for the child and the foster parent is, usually, encouraged to get to know the birth family and set a good parenting example for the family.
      So now we get to how to physically prepare for a foster child entering your home… When going through the interviews you are to talk about the type of child you envision living in your home with you. I personally want a younger child (baby or toddler), but am not opposed to older children. The thing is, I have no children already. A parent who is getting ready to adopt or have a biological child knows the age of the child and, when adopting, usually the mental/developmental age. If you go into labor you expect to come home a few days later with a newborn. You know what a newborn needs or can look it up online. Small clothes, a crib, a swing, a baby monitor, other baby “stuff,” little diapers, bottles, etc. When you’re preparing to adopt you know you’re expecting (for example) a potty-trained three year old so you get prepared with spill proof cups, pull-ups, toddler snacks, etc. However, when you know that starting in a few days, you could receive a call at any time to see if you’d be interested in fostering a child for a few days, weeks, months, or years – it’s hard to be fully prepared. And I know for certain that I will not be fully prepared and at some point will be calling in favors, asking for help, and running out for a Red Bull and diapers. Yesterday evening I went to the baby section at Wal-Mart and purchased a few items and I’ve also ordered some things from Amazon. I also have AMAZING friends and family who have gifted, or will be gifting me, with great items. But, here are some questions I have:
- Do I buy some diapers in every size to have on hand?
- Do I get a training potty?
- Should I have buy a crib, a co-sleeper, or pack and play to have if/when needed? (PP will let you borrow a Pack and Play for a while if you need so I won’t ever have a total emergency, but it would be nice to be somewhat prepared, right?)
- Should I get infant spoons, bowls and cups? Toddler spoons, bowl and cups? (Actually, I went ahead and covered toddler sippy cups and spoons…)
- Should I invest in a nice set of bottles or wait to see if I am ever asked to foster a baby?
- Should I go ahead and get a diaper bag or new big purse or do I continue carrying the biggish purses I have now that have always doubled as diaper bags when I nanny?
- Why didn’t I go ahead and by an infant stroller at HWGA in the spring?
- Should I get some kid’s combs? Socks? PJs? Onsies? All sizes?
- Should I get another baby gate?
- Do I need a toddler side-rail for the twin bed or will using a pool noodle under the mattress cover work?
- Should I get some bath toys?
- Should I get a high chair?
- Should I get a baby monitor?
- Should I, should I, should I?
      I’ve worked with children for two decades now (yes, since I was a kid myself). As many women my age do, I have prepared a mental list of many items I would want if/when I were to have my own tiny blessing, even down to the brand of stroller or type of chair for a nursery. BUT - not knowing what age and gender child you may get at any time makes me feel very unprepared. Do I go ahead and try to get it ALL, everything for all ages, now? Or do I wait and see what happens and let things accumulate as I foster different children?
I have said many times, and encouraged others many times, to be okay with the unknown. I still believe that’s true but my unknown is getting closer by the day and so I’m starting to freak out a bit. I do have faith in God and God has been preparing my heart and mind for this for a long time… and I trust God, for sure! You know when you have a big trip coming up in a month and you continue to think “yup, I’ve got everything under control” and then two days before the trip you think “nope, I’m not ready and have no control of this situation”? And then you leave your son alone at home for Christmas while you fly around the world? Oh wait, that’s a movie… but hey, bet you can guess which of the two I’m feeling at this point!
      Not only am I working to be physically prepared here at home, I’m also working to make sure my heart and mind are prepared. However, that’s another blog post for another time.
      Prayers welcome!