Thank you for sticking with me and checking in for
another riveting installment of, “What in the world is Rachel up to now?!”
I’ve had many questions about foster care, the
process, the kiddo, etc – so I thought I’d make this post a FAQ post. I’m
probably forgetting many questions I’ve been asked but I hope the following
helps. Please feel free to ask me questions at any time, I’m happy to answer if
I know the answer or am able to. I appreciate all questions but many things
about the situation are confidential so I can’t share those things. If I tell
you that I’m not able to share the answer to your question with you, please do
not be offended or think that I don’t trust you, but behind children in foster
care are families going through court cases – so legally I need to keep a good
deal of information private. The questions below are in no particular order.
How old is your foster son?:
He’ll be two in November
He’ll be two in November
Where is he from?:
He’s from a surrounding county/city
He’s from a surrounding county/city
Does he see his family?:
Yes, he currently visits with birth-Mom once a week.
Yes, he currently visits with birth-Mom once a week.
Have you met her?:
Yes, I have. I take him to his visits at the DSS office that’s handling his case. Mom is usually in the waiting room when we arrive so they get to connect right away. His case worker comes out and takes Mom and kiddo back and then I’m free to wait there or head out. I’ve been using this time to run errands. When I get back I wait for them to come back to the waiting room. He leaves the building with me. He’s a little sad when we go but he knows he’s leaving with an adult he trusts and I try to distract his attention with fruit snacks.
Yes, I have. I take him to his visits at the DSS office that’s handling his case. Mom is usually in the waiting room when we arrive so they get to connect right away. His case worker comes out and takes Mom and kiddo back and then I’m free to wait there or head out. I’ve been using this time to run errands. When I get back I wait for them to come back to the waiting room. He leaves the building with me. He’s a little sad when we go but he knows he’s leaving with an adult he trusts and I try to distract his attention with fruit snacks.
Is Mom nice to you?:
Yes, Mom is nice. We talk about him and what he’s been up to. I think she’s glad to know he’s in a safe, loving place while she works to get herself to a place where he can be back in her custody.
Yes, Mom is nice. We talk about him and what he’s been up to. I think she’s glad to know he’s in a safe, loving place while she works to get herself to a place where he can be back in her custody.
How long with you have him?:
Short answer, I don’t know. When a child is removed from his/her family, the family usually has a long list of things that must happen before the child can be returned. The family is provided with services to help them accomplish what is needed. The goal, at first, is always for the child to return to his/her family (provided the reason for removal wasn’t horrendous). These days, families have probably a minimum of 10 months or so to accomplish many things on their list. They must continue to show that they are moving forward and making progress. Each case, each family, each DSS, each Judge, etc. are all different so there’s not a specific answer to how long a child could be in care. While all this is going on, DSS is looking for relatives or friends of the family who the child could be with – someone the family already has a relationship with. My little guy could be with me for a few more months, many more months, or a few years – I just don’t know. However, my very rough guesstimating tells me he’ll be with me at least through the holidays.
Short answer, I don’t know. When a child is removed from his/her family, the family usually has a long list of things that must happen before the child can be returned. The family is provided with services to help them accomplish what is needed. The goal, at first, is always for the child to return to his/her family (provided the reason for removal wasn’t horrendous). These days, families have probably a minimum of 10 months or so to accomplish many things on their list. They must continue to show that they are moving forward and making progress. Each case, each family, each DSS, each Judge, etc. are all different so there’s not a specific answer to how long a child could be in care. While all this is going on, DSS is looking for relatives or friends of the family who the child could be with – someone the family already has a relationship with. My little guy could be with me for a few more months, many more months, or a few years – I just don’t know. However, my very rough guesstimating tells me he’ll be with me at least through the holidays.
Isn’t that hard? Not knowing?:
Yes, yes it is. But it’s part of the process. I’m not doing this for me. I understand I could get a call any day that they have a relative for him to go with. But I care for him, love him, and provide a safe home for him each day – knowing that’s one more day that I’m certain he’s in good care.
Yes, yes it is. But it’s part of the process. I’m not doing this for me. I understand I could get a call any day that they have a relative for him to go with. But I care for him, love him, and provide a safe home for him each day – knowing that’s one more day that I’m certain he’s in good care.
Why don’t you use his name online, in emails, in texts
– or email, text, or post photos of him?:
This is for his privacy and the family’s privacy. Again, they’re going through a court case. They may have not told everyone in their lives that this is happening and could be embarrassed, scared, frustrated, etc. so foster parents cannot chance the child’s identity being found online where someone else could recognize the child. In the future the child may not want anyone to know he/she was in foster care – and if the child was young enough – he or she may not even remember it.
This is for his privacy and the family’s privacy. Again, they’re going through a court case. They may have not told everyone in their lives that this is happening and could be embarrassed, scared, frustrated, etc. so foster parents cannot chance the child’s identity being found online where someone else could recognize the child. In the future the child may not want anyone to know he/she was in foster care – and if the child was young enough – he or she may not even remember it.
Where is your foster son during the weekdays?:
He’s in a local daycare.
He’s in a local daycare.
Isn’t child care a big hit on your budget?:
Because I work full-time, his child care is paid for.
Because I work full-time, his child care is paid for.
Who do you go through to become a foster parent?:
I’m certified through People Places of Charlottesville. They’re a great group to work with! If you’re interested in learning more about them, let me know! People Places certifies Therapeutic Foster Parents, which is what I’m certified as. This means our children need more support and we receive more support as we engage on this journey.
I’m certified through People Places of Charlottesville. They’re a great group to work with! If you’re interested in learning more about them, let me know! People Places certifies Therapeutic Foster Parents, which is what I’m certified as. This means our children need more support and we receive more support as we engage on this journey.
Do you get money for being a foster parent?:
Yes, you get a tax-free stipend to help cover the additional expenses of having another person in your home and you get a small amount of money to help with clothing. There are more details but I won’t go in to all of them. If you’ve heard anyone else who fosters say that they “don’t do it for the money,” they mean it. I’m not making money off of my little guy, just getting a little extra to help with the extra bills. However, don’t let this hinder you if you’re thinking of fostering, if you spend the money wisely then you’ll come out just fine. You shouldn’t go in to debt from fostering.
Yes, you get a tax-free stipend to help cover the additional expenses of having another person in your home and you get a small amount of money to help with clothing. There are more details but I won’t go in to all of them. If you’ve heard anyone else who fosters say that they “don’t do it for the money,” they mean it. I’m not making money off of my little guy, just getting a little extra to help with the extra bills. However, don’t let this hinder you if you’re thinking of fostering, if you spend the money wisely then you’ll come out just fine. You shouldn’t go in to debt from fostering.
You’re not married but you are able to foster?:
Yes, single people can foster. Married people can foster. Straight people can foster. Gay people can foster. Young people can foster. Older people can foster. People with kids at home can foster. People who have never had children can foster. People who own their home can foster. People who rent can foster. ALL types of people are needed because there is a vast array of children in the system who need a safe home and loving family – and families look many different ways.
Yes, single people can foster. Married people can foster. Straight people can foster. Gay people can foster. Young people can foster. Older people can foster. People with kids at home can foster. People who have never had children can foster. People who own their home can foster. People who rent can foster. ALL types of people are needed because there is a vast array of children in the system who need a safe home and loving family – and families look many different ways.
Where was your foster son last Sunday, he wasn’t at
church with you?:
I was using what is known as “respite.” My boyfriend and I went to a wedding Saturday night and I knew I’d be getting home late. I called in the reinforcements! Foster parents are encouraged to use respite when needed. This means the child goes to the home of another foster parent/family and spends at least one night. I have used respite twice now – there is a wonderful couple who my little guy has spent the night with who lives near me. They have been certified as foster parents for around five years and are great with him.
I was using what is known as “respite.” My boyfriend and I went to a wedding Saturday night and I knew I’d be getting home late. I called in the reinforcements! Foster parents are encouraged to use respite when needed. This means the child goes to the home of another foster parent/family and spends at least one night. I have used respite twice now – there is a wonderful couple who my little guy has spent the night with who lives near me. They have been certified as foster parents for around five years and are great with him.
Can you use a babysitter?:
My foster son can be left, for short periods, in the care of people I trust. He can be left in the church nursery, a gym’s nursery, with family or friends, with my boyfriend (who is certified to help with foster children I have), etc. He can only spend the night with certified foster families, hence the respite.
My foster son can be left, for short periods, in the care of people I trust. He can be left in the church nursery, a gym’s nursery, with family or friends, with my boyfriend (who is certified to help with foster children I have), etc. He can only spend the night with certified foster families, hence the respite.
How is this different than having a biological child?:
Some of the differences are: my child has visits to see biological family (currently once a week); my child has additional doctor’s appts; there is a team working with my child so I have to share medical updates, behavior changes, etc; I have different people coming in to my home to check on the child, currently DSS and my PP family consultant, but could also have the Guardian ad litem (GAL), a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker, Infant-Toddler services, etc.; there are currently almost daily phone calls/emails/texts with PP and DSS; I have to keep receipts to turn in sometimes; there are court dates, family planning meetings, etc. on my calendar – I attend if/when I can; I don’t know a lot of my child’s history (it was almost three weeks before I learned his middle name); I have to ask people not to take photos of my foster son that will be shared; I have to get permission to take him on trips out of the state; I know I can’t keep him forever… Another difference is that when someone babysits or watches your child – you give your child over to that person/family with instructions, likes/dislikes, allergies, bath routine, bedtime routine, diaper sizes, etc. I got none of that. I was given a kid on a Friday afternoon, I signed a paper, and we were on our way. I did not know his bed time, his routine, food information – I had to start from scratch, but with a 22 month old.
Some of the differences are: my child has visits to see biological family (currently once a week); my child has additional doctor’s appts; there is a team working with my child so I have to share medical updates, behavior changes, etc; I have different people coming in to my home to check on the child, currently DSS and my PP family consultant, but could also have the Guardian ad litem (GAL), a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker, Infant-Toddler services, etc.; there are currently almost daily phone calls/emails/texts with PP and DSS; I have to keep receipts to turn in sometimes; there are court dates, family planning meetings, etc. on my calendar – I attend if/when I can; I don’t know a lot of my child’s history (it was almost three weeks before I learned his middle name); I have to ask people not to take photos of my foster son that will be shared; I have to get permission to take him on trips out of the state; I know I can’t keep him forever… Another difference is that when someone babysits or watches your child – you give your child over to that person/family with instructions, likes/dislikes, allergies, bath routine, bedtime routine, diaper sizes, etc. I got none of that. I was given a kid on a Friday afternoon, I signed a paper, and we were on our way. I did not know his bed time, his routine, food information – I had to start from scratch, but with a 22 month old.
Could you keep him?:
There is a lot that has to happen for my guy before they could even get to the point where he may be available for adoption. That’s at the bottom of a long list. However, if he became available and if I felt I could care for him for the rest of his life, it would be a possibility. When becoming certified through People Places they ask if you are interested in becoming certified to adopt. It is an additional home visit during the screening/certification process and some additional paperwork, so I did become certified to adopt.
There is a lot that has to happen for my guy before they could even get to the point where he may be available for adoption. That’s at the bottom of a long list. However, if he became available and if I felt I could care for him for the rest of his life, it would be a possibility. When becoming certified through People Places they ask if you are interested in becoming certified to adopt. It is an additional home visit during the screening/certification process and some additional paperwork, so I did become certified to adopt.
Won’t it break your heart when he leaves you?:
Yes it will. I feel more connected to him each day and he is bonding with me. However, I know that what may be best for him is to be with his birth-family, the people who know him and his story. Additionally, while I can say all of that out loud and know it in my head, it doesn’t mean my heart believes it. But the goal is to make the world a better place for this little boy and to make this little boy better for the world. He may go away in a year and never remember me, but his heart will know that as a toddler he felt so much love and was safe and cared for and that could make all the difference in his life. I have to remind myself almost daily that I’m doing this for him. This is not for me. Yes, I do love having him and he’s so much fun, but I want to make a difference in our universe, so at this moment in my life this is how I feel God calling me to do so.
Yes it will. I feel more connected to him each day and he is bonding with me. However, I know that what may be best for him is to be with his birth-family, the people who know him and his story. Additionally, while I can say all of that out loud and know it in my head, it doesn’t mean my heart believes it. But the goal is to make the world a better place for this little boy and to make this little boy better for the world. He may go away in a year and never remember me, but his heart will know that as a toddler he felt so much love and was safe and cared for and that could make all the difference in his life. I have to remind myself almost daily that I’m doing this for him. This is not for me. Yes, I do love having him and he’s so much fun, but I want to make a difference in our universe, so at this moment in my life this is how I feel God calling me to do so.
How do you do it?:
Prayers, support and love from friends and family, finding time to take care of myself, tears, caffeine, and more love…
Prayers, support and love from friends and family, finding time to take care of myself, tears, caffeine, and more love…
2 comments:
J is such a lucky boy...you are amazing and so full of love & compassion. And you were blessed to be his safe place for as long as God allows. Could not be prouder to be your Aunt!!!!!
The love in your heart just spills out and touches lives where ever you are. I know J feels that love. I'm so proud of you and J is a blessed little boy to have you as his foster "Mommy!" Love you!!!
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